Fairness in Relationships

The very important "R" of PERMA-V Flourishing -- Relationships -- must be built on a foundation of fairness toward all parties. Unfair treatment leads to resentment and anger, which can ferment to rip a relationship apart. At the very least, they destroy a lot of the joy.

Of course, most of us want to e fair. Actually getting it to work out that way has some pitfalls.

The 80 - 80 Rule

Most of us have heard of the 80-20 rule. It's a rule of thumb that gives the general idea that 80% of impact comes from 20% of things. 80% of sales come from 20% of customers. 80% of population is in 20% of cities.

The 80-80 rule is different. 80% of people feel they do 80% of the work in a relationship. For example, each person in a couple may feel they do the dishes 80% of the time! Of course this can't be true -- but it may well feel that way. It's human nature.

So we need to keep in mind that even when things are fair, it may feel like they're not!

Conflicts -- Resolve Them Effectively and Fairly

Think how boring it would be if we were all the same! Fortunately we are not, and that leads to conflicts of various sorts. When they come up we want to resolve them effectively, for the best interest of both parties and the relationship. And, as is the primary focus of this folio, we want to resolve them fairly.

Sharing and Taking Turns

Things invariably come up, good or bad. Sometimes we can just share equally. Extra piece of pie? Let's cut it in half! Mess after the big party? Let's both pitch in and clean up. That's clearly fair to both, and builds a sense of togetherness.

Other times it's a "one person or the other" situation. I'll go have fun while you mind the store -- next time it's your turn. If it's something regular, this works well. Even better if it can be scheduled. Your turn on Tuesdays, mine on Thursdays.

Often times things just come up irregularly that can't be shared, and taking turns isn't so easy. This time I get the one extra ticket to that once-in-a-lifetime concert I've been dying to see. Next time you get something -- Oh, look, it's a 10% off coupon to the car wash! Taking turns doesn't work so well in this situation. We can try keeping score but with the "apples and oranges" effect the accounting is laughable. OK, after I went to the concert, you've gotten the last 37 discount coupons, which is about the same as the concert. Now it's my turn for something again! It's a recipe for feelings of unfairness. A possible solution is discussed after looking at a few more tricky situations.

Joint Decisions

Suppose we've got to decide on a summer activity for junior. I think tennis camp and you feel he needs remedial math. Sometimes discussion or problem solving gives a solution both are comfortable with. I see your point, he will suffer next year if he doesn't catch up his math. Or, We can do math in the mornings and tennis afternoons. Sometimes there's no clear right answer, and it comes down to taking turns. OK, we'll do what you think best. Next time it's my turn to decide. Oh... next we need to decide to turn left or right at the corner? Ridiculous score keeping is needed, again.

Resolving Incompatibilities

Resolving incompatibilities is a necessary part of any relationship. It really bugs me when you put the toilet paper in backwards. Sometimes there's no possible compromise -- you can't put paper in sideways -- and taking turns seems ridiculous. Resolving this is just like making a joint decision, but with the added danger that it's easy to become too personal. Why do you do that on purpose just to annoy me when I've asked you to stop? You jerk! Yet another recipe for feelings of unfairness.

An Idea for How to Take Turns Fairly

In these kinds of situations, where we can't share equally and there's no resolution after appropriate discussion, it comes down to one or the other. Is there some way to take turns without creating feelings of unfairness? Yes, there is a way, and it's so simple and has so many benefits that it's incredible more people don't use it.

Just flip a coin! What? How can we leave our decisions up to chance? We should decide more logically -- to give us the right decision. Well, for those of us who feel it's too crazy, listen to these points.

1. We might want to read the National Bureau of Economic Research summary of recent work by Steven D. Levitt PhD of Freakonomics Fame. He asked tens of thousands of people if they would make an important life-changing decision based on a coin flip -- big changes, like quitting a job, going back to school, and breaking up. Over 50% went along and followed the flip.
2. If we already discussed an issue without resolution, then it's come down to some form of taking turns. Either that, or who can yell the loudest! How is that any more logical or likely to give the right decision than a coin flip?
3. We don't have accurate crystal balls to see the results our decisions will have. If we did, we'd get rich in the stock market. And we've each got a different crystal ball saying different things. If we had a way to agree on the right answer, we would've done that and the situation would already be resolved.
4. So... in these situations it isn't about making the right decision. Rather, the goal is to make a decision in a fair way so neither party has bad feelings toward the other -- feelings that would weaken the relationship.
5. Clearly, a coin flip is fair, simple and quick. It can cut off pointless arguing that again would simply create bad feelings.
6. With a coin, there's no need to hold the emotional baggage of remembering and keeping the score.
7. And if one later feels the decision turned out poorly, the coin is to blame rather than the person. Further reduced opportunity for bad feelings.

Note there are classic equivalents to coin flipping that can work just as well -- eg, "drawing straws" or "rock, paper, scissors".

Of course, some people may feel they are shirking their responsibility. And some just plain prefer arguing.

Communication Style

Feelings of unfairness and resentment can also arise when a person is unintentionally criticized. This can happen when one person is asking another to change some behavior. Because of a poor, indirect communication style, what is intended as an innocent request can come across as hurtful criticism. A direct and respectful communication style can avoid this, as described in this folio.

Particular vs. Easy-Going

Here's one last thing to think about.

Suppose Patty Particular raises issues frequently -- whenever something isn't quite the way she wants it and whenever they pop into her mind. Thelma Thoughtful is easy-going, and only infrequently raises issues -- only ones that she has thought over and seem to be real problems. Both Patty and Thelma and do their best to resolve issues fairly, as described above. Unfortunately, a tricky fairness problem lies here.

Thelma may feel that she has already given Patty many many extra "turns" when raising issues in her mind and deciding not to voice them. Further, Thelma has agreed to many of Patty's issues because of their minor importance and her easy-going nature, When Thelma does raise an issue, she has thought about it from all angles and earnestly believes she is voicing the right position. Based on these factors, Thelma is strongly convinced that her positions should be accepted most of the time, and she has well-formulated reasoning to support them. Patty feels the strength of Thelma's conviction, hears the well-formulated reasoning, and most of the time goes along with Thelma's position. With issues where they can't agree, both do a good job of fairly taking turns by flipping a coin.

However, Thelma's strong convictions and overwhelming reasoning feel like dragon-fire to Patty. Of course, Patty isn't privy to the many issues raised in Thelma's mind and not voiced. And easy-going Thelma agrees so readily to many of Patty's issues that Patty doesn't even notice Thelma agreeing. Ironically, Patty feels that easy-going Thelma always needs to have her way!

Meanwhile, Thelma can't help but sub-consciously keep score including the many unvoiced and not-worth--arguing issues. Her feeling of unfairness is growing stronger and stronger.

How can these two get back on track? Reader comments appreciated!

-- g