Parenting Overview

The primary goal of parenting is not to entertain, amuse, nor "make" children happy.

What? Isn't the Goal to make our kids happy?

Well -- in a word -- no! It goes without saying that all of us want happiness for our children. But making children happy is not appropriate as the ultimate Goal of parenting, for several reasons.

• Fundamentally, happiness is an emotion that human beings feel based on their own interpretation of how things are going. It isn't something that one person makes another feel. Trying to do so is a set-up for bad results ("Ice cream parenting, anyone?").
• Focus on making a child happy perversely tends to make an unhappy adult. Common sense knows this within the concept of "spoiling" a child.
• Flourishing is a Goal for life that is broader than just being happy. Happiness (PosEmotion) is only one component of PERMA-V. The others are also important.

It's easy for us parents to think that making kids happy is the Goal. We spend a lot of time amusing our newborn infants -- just making them happy. Unfortunately we forget the need for Evolution of this Interaction as the infant develops through childhood. Most of us get stuck like this to some degree. See the important "E" and "I" aspects of GUIDE described later.

If we are just helping them "pass the time happily" until they are adult, we will be surprised that they don't magically acquire the skills to Flourish on their twenty-first birthday. Only later do many parents realize that the precious time of childhood goes by far too quickly. It is a dear, scarce resource. Parents need to make the most of it, to spend it wisely.

None of this is to say we want our children to be unhappy. If we parents focus on the Goal of preparing children to Flourish, then children can make themselves happy throughout their life.

Guide Children to Grow Their Toolkit (Foundational Skills)

How can we best prepare our children to Flourish? Should we get them an early start on their ABCs? Piano lessons? Kiddie soccer? While all these activities can have value for a child's development, zZense Technology suggests that a primary aspect of parenting is providing the experiences and Discipline that guide children to develop their Foundational Skills. That is, developing the skills of

• Curiosity
• Gratitude
• Grit
• Growth Mindset
• Optimism
• Self-Control
• Social IQ
• Zest

These eight Foundational Skills are overviewed and further described in individual folios.

One might question whether this is the optimum list of Foundational Skills. Perhaps others should be included? Or some should be replaced? We could argue forever about an optimum, but this set is based on work of leading researchers in child development -- Angela Duckworth PhD and The Character Lab. It is a concrete list and not unreasonable. It gives us a common, clear and specific vision of the Foundational Skills our children need.

What about all those activities, from ABCs to soccer? A child can develop such Task Skills (ie, skills for specific tasks), other Centric Skills, and knowledge, more effectively after first developing the Foundational Skills. Putting priority on Foundational Skills is a matter of "first things first".

Of course, for example, soccer with the right coach can also help develop Foundational Skills, for example skills of Self-Control and Zest. Which activities will be best for each child? We can get insight by using a clear vision of the Goal as a lens. Eg, will this coach and soccer program prepare my child to Flourish by building Foundational Skills? Or is it's priority to develop the best soccer skills in hopes of a scholarship or professional sports career? The decision must be individual. Hopefully the clarity afforded by using the Goal as a lens makes for better and easier decisions. Guide children to develop the skills that prepare them to Flourish.

Unequal Mindset means that all family members, parents and children alike, realize that children and parents are not equals, and that parents have authority and responsibility to provide leadership in the family. This statement may not sound "politically correct". However, it doesn't mean that children are valued less as human beings -- surely almost all of us feel just the opposite. It doesn't mean that parents are blind dictators ignoring ideas or wishes of children. It certainly doesn't mean that children are to be treated harshly, disrespectfully or without love. It doesn't mean that children mindlessly follow like drones. It does mean that parents must lead and children follow.

The Unequal Mindset is appropriate for multiple reasons.

• Importantly, the Unequal Mindset matches reality. Parents have significant experience, skills and responsibilities that children lack. Clearly, children are not the equal of parents.
• A family is a critical unit of organization in society, as highlighted by thinkers since at least Confucius, over two thousand years ago, up to the present day. Every organization requires leadership to be effective. Who should lead? Common sense informs us that parents should lead and children follow, rather than vice versa.
• If parents don't lead children then someone else will, with results likely to the worse.
• The Unequal Mindset is important for children's development of Foundational Skills, including Gratitude, Growth Mindset and Self-Control.

How does the Unequal Mindset aid development of these Foundational Skills? In a family having the Unequal Mindset, it is clear that being an adult has privileges to which children are not entitled. Gratitude is strongly related to this understanding that one is not entitled but rather must earn privileges. The Unequal Mindset makes clear that children are not "grownups". Children learn the value of a Growth Mindset as they grow up and enjoy additional privileges. And it is the leadership of parents that sets boundaries and provides corrective feedback, key for children learning Self-Control.

Uncomfortable With Unequal Mindset and Leadership?

Some may take issue with treating the family as an "organization" needing leadership to be effective. They may think: "I don't want to be an organization -- my family shouldn't be viewed like some efficiency-seeking corporation! I value spontaneous individualism and creativity. Anyway, the world is full of chaos, and that's not bad training for children." While everyone has the right to set values for their own family, zZense makes a common sense suggestion regarding a key point noted earlier. Childhood is precious short. In a family without organization or leadership, an unnecessarily large proportion of that precious childhood time is wasted with distraction, debate and dispute.

It's easy to see why some families don't value and practice an Unequal Mindset.

• Most readers live in a democracy based on a sense of equality among citizens. The "equal rights for all" message is heard often. It's not surprising that sometimes it's applied to inappropriate situations.
• Good parents want to treat their children with respect. One can confuse respect with equality -- without realizing that mutual respect can thrive among unequals.
• The popular media, especially those darling children's movies, increasingly blur the important differences between children and "grownups". Somehow in the movies, kids' intuition and innate goodness seems to win out, while "grownups" bumble along or are outright villains. In the real world "grownups" usually have importantly greater experience and stronger Centric Skills than children.

In the zZense acronym GUIDE, we purposely chose the word "Unequal" to hit this nail straight on the head. On the other hand, the concept of parent leadership is so important and closely linked, we could have used the word "leadership" instead. James B. Stenson has written a wonderful collection of credible and insightful articles about what it means to have the job title parent, and step up to the responsibility of family leadership.

"Duh . . . of course Interaction with my children is important! And I want it to be quality time! . . . Er, what specifically does 'quality time' mean?" Considering our goal of preparing children to Flourish, we can get some ideas. Our precious time together should be spent guiding children to grow their toolkit of [Foundational Skills][foundational]. But how?

Discipline

Discipline, the "D" in GUIDE, is one part of our Interaction. And no, Discipline is not another word for punishment in zZense Technology. It means setting expectations and boundaries, as well as feedback and correction, as discussed in a later section.

Discipline is an explicit form of Interaction. We state acceptable and unacceptable behaviors, and use feedback to guide children's behavior accordingly.

Experiences

Providing activities for children is another large part of our Interaction -- playgroups, schools, sports, music. Importantly, it's also doing things together -- camping, watching a movie, working. And so on. In many cases we hope the activity is guiding them to build Foundational Skills, but we can't be sure exactly which one or how. This is where having a Goal for our parenting really shines. We can use that Goal as a lens to help select activities.

Experiences are often an indirect form of Interaction. For example, the parent helps the child select an activity. After that, Interaction is primarily between child and activity. In contract to Discipline where the parent states a specific outcome, the outcome of an experience is often uncertain -- depending on "how it goes". However, children seem to learn best by doing rather than being told. This, together with Optimism-building mastery are significant benefits.

Family Values and Culture

A form of implicit Interaction is establishing family values and culture. While we might write a list of family values to help us focus, that isn't really how it works. Family culture tends to be intangible and with long-term effects. It is established by being a good example, and by our actions as parents. This includes our conversations, but is considerably more, and more subtle.

For example, when kids are young, we might take them out of school frequently -- usually for some cool recreational or travel experience planned by us parents. We might feel those experiences are more profound than a little bit of school -- real alternative learning experiences -- and probably they are. And, just a little bit of school -- they can make up what they they miss.

But we need to be careful with such trade-offs that are well-justified by short-term benefits and convenience. We might talk until we are blue in the face about the importance of a good education, but by these actions children may get the message that play has priority over school in our family values. Our actions might be establishing a family culture that will hurt them long-term as they make such decisions themselves during teen years.

Finding a good balance for our implicit Interactions and setting the family culture we really intend isn't straightforward. It's more art than science.

Attachment

Earlier we discussed the importance of parent Leadership. What motivates our children to follow our lead? What makes them feel part of the family, and experience the benefits of our culture and values? Attachment can be a large part. It is the bond between parent and child, between leader and follower, holding the family together.

Parents can build attachment with infants by Attachment Parenting. This can involve co-sleeping with infants in parent's bed, picking them up when crying, and carrying them often in a sling or wrap. In contrast, "traditional" parenting in the USA, eg per Dr. Spock of the 1950s, advocates letting infants cry to sleep by themselves, and generally to learn an early life more independent from parent touch. In the USA, Attachment Parenting appears to be a somewhat radical "new kid on the block", but it's worth noting that most babies on planet Earth are brought up this way. Attachment Parenting is a very personal choice for parents, and those interested can learn more as credibly advocated by Dr. Sears among many others.

Parents can strengthen attachment as children grow, by good Discipline and Interactions that are not necessarily "too soft and squishy", yet are firmly based on love and respect. We always try for this, but will make mistakes. When we do, a quick apology is in order. We parents may even find a need to work on our own Centric Skills.

Evolution

No matter what, as children grow, parent Interaction goes through Evolution. What works today, does not tomorrow. This is the "E" in GUIDE and discussed in a later section.

First, let's understand the basic concept of Discipline. Note that the word shares common heritage with "Disciple", coming from the Latin "disciplina" relating to instruction, teaching and learning. This hints at a deeper, more fundamental meaning than the common association with punishment. The zZense view is that Discipline teaches desirable behavior, using correction, ie feedback, as a tool. The feedback may be positive and/or negative. Integral to the process, family leadership establishes rules and boundaries in conjunction with all family members.

Discipline is a broad topic with widely differing views among parents, and zZense devotes a separate folio to Discipline.

Interaction between parent and child undergoes an Evolution as a child grows. Obviously, the "kutchie kutchie goo" that delights a newborn doesn't work with a teenager. While this example is so obvious it seems silly, virtually every aspect of Interaction does require Evolution. Let's look at some that are tricky and important to get right.

Infant Entertainment Habit

The "infant entertainment" Interaction mentioned earlier is one. Newborn infants seem to have basically two states: sometimes happy and content, and other times unhappy and crying. The unhappy state is often due to a physical problem such as hunger, too hot or cold, or a wet diaper. Accordingly, we focus on "making our infant happy" by addressing these physical problems. And to stimulate development, we spend a lot of time amusing and entertaining the newborn. This Interaction may become a habit. And it may even be adopted as the Goal. Of course this would be putting the cart before the horse -- far better results come from first formulating the Goal and then choosing our Interaction to serve that Goal. This "make infants happy" Interaction must Evolve to "provide guidance, opportunities and resources so children can create their own happiness".

Privileges and Responsibilities

Another tricky and important Evolution relates to the privileges that children enjoy. By privileges we mean things like selecting clothes, choosing bedtimes, buying toys of their own choice, and use of an automobile. Hand in hand are responsibilities like being dressed to endure the weather, waking up on time, earning money, and driving safely. These privileges and responsibilities initially reside 100% with the parent, while the newborn infant has 0%. That is, the newborn infant's parents do and control everything. The balance shifts as the child grows. At adulthood, the child should have essentially 100% of the privileges and responsibilities, and be independent of the parents.

This sounds obvious and pretty simple, but let's look at some of the ways to get it wrong.

• Parents fail to "let go" and the child fails to grow up. At 35 years of age, mom and dad are still doing the adult child's laundry and paying for his car! The child sadly never reaches 100%, never becomes a real adult.
• Responsibilities are not matched to privileges. It's a perverse fact of life that it's a lot easier for a parent to give privileges than to teach and demand responsibility. When responsibility lags too far behind privilege, the stage is set for danger. Danger to proper Evolution of parent-child Interaction. And importantly, real physical danger from the "three D's", driving, drugs, and dregs of society. Of course we must accept that children will make mistakes. They won't always live up to their responsibilities. That's part of learning and growing up. Nonetheless, we must constantly strive to match responsibilities to privileges during Evolution of this important Interaction.

These are just two examples of the need for Evolution in the Interaction between parent and child as development proceeds. As we think about the various aspects of our Interaction with children, almost every single one requires Evolution.

A Good Pace

What is a good pace for Evolution of parent-child Interactions? A fact of life is that change is hard, and it's easy to put things off, especially when change is required. This means it's easy for our Evolution to move too slowly.

The "official" age of adulthood is typically said to be twenty-one, but at eighteen a child often leaves home for college or independent living. Parental Interaction is then greatly diminished. Objective common sense informs us that if Evolution of Interactions is nearly 100% complete at that time, then the following three or four years can be a "shakedown cruise" of independent living. This implies that Evolution should be in some sense half complete when the child is only nine years old! On such a pace, a child would be fully-prepared to hit the ground running as an adult. While this certainly sounds like a wonderful thing for our children, we daresay most families have trouble keeping this pace or anything like it.