Direct Communication

Most of us treasure strong relationships with other people -- especially wives and husbands, children and parents, or business partners, employees, customers and suppliers -- all who are most important to us. Our Foundational Skill of Social IQ is the key to unlock this treasure box. Direct communication is an important part of Social IQ.

Unfortunately, with the best intentions of love and kindness our communications can still go wrong. We can hear "I just don't like the way you say it" or "Quit being passive / aggressive" when making a comment or suggestion for change. Statements like these indicate our communication style is not direct.

But help! If we already knew how to communicate more directly, we wouldn't be in this situation. Here are some tips.

It's Easy... and Easy to Get Wrong

Ironically, it's often our love, kindness, and desire to be respectful that gets us in trouble. We tiptoe around the issue. We don't say exactly what we mean because we sense discomfort there for both of us. Fortunately, being direct is actually simpler and easier because it's straightforward. It's -- well -- direct!

Be Respectful

Being honest and to the point is respectful, but we must be careful to be honest in the right way. Sometimes we use "being honest" as an excuse to be mean or hurtful. Being direct isn't the same as being brutally honest. An intention of compassion and respect enables our communication to be direct without being offensive.

Snide Comments

Particularly in long-term relationships, it's common to see "picking at each other" -- making negative comments about another's actions, looks, purchases, recent achievements, etc. Often these comments are delivered in an indirect way, perhaps covered over with an "I was just joking." Such snide comments are especially damaging to a relationship when they knock down achievements that should be celebrated instead (see this readable article summarizing the research of Shelley Gable, PhD). We must diligently eradicate snide comments from our relationship. When there is an actual problem, address it directly with a "suggestion that we own".

Own Our Suggestions

It's a matter of style that seems subtle, yet has important consequences for the person receiving the suggestion. Instead of "I don't think what you're doing is right", try "I want you to change what you're doing".

With all best intentions we might say the first statement because we don't want to be bossy. We may think we are saying our opinion, and being respectful by letting the other person agree or not.

Of course, we would be wanting them to agree and change their behavior. They know that. There's the rub. We would be communicating the second statement anyway, in an indirect way, and actually being just as bossy. Additionally, we would be explicitly judging their morality, effectively saying "you are a bad person." Adding injury to that insult, we would be asking them to take responsibility by agreeing with our insulting judgment.

So, try skipping the first statement. Avoid judging. Take responsibility ourself -- "This is what I want" -- and go directly with the second statement.

Too Bossy?

So...I've changed my communication style to be more direct -- I'm owning my comments -- and it feels like I'm too bossy now. Let's call a spade a spade and admit that we were being just as bossy before, but trying to hide it behind indirection. Now is the time to decide if we just plain need to back off a bit. Some ideas:

1. Prioritize the issues and skip the less important ones. Maybe it doesn't matter if the toilet paper is frontwards or backwards.
2. Compromise, accept a fair proportion of our position versus theirs. After stating "I want this" and hearing "they want that", feel OK if sometimes it is this and sometimes that.

However, there can still be challenges, as described next.

Picky? Easy-Going? Maintaining Fairness

Suppose one person in a relationship raises issues much more frequently than the other. Even if both are diligent about direct communication and they compromise equally to accept the other's position, troublesome challenges can arise from fairness concerns. See this folio for thoughts.

Make Direct Communication a Habit

We may presently have a habit of blurting out suggestions or negative comments in an indirect style. Then it is necessary to build a new habit of direct communication. Some thoughts:

1. Pause. First develop the habit to think before blurting. Maybe it's not worth saying. If it is, think how to phrase it in a direct style.
2. Enlist help. Tell those around us that we are working to change. Ask them to alert us when we slip up.
3. Practice. Practice. Practice. It will take some effort.

Once the direct communication habit is established, we will find it's really very easy. More than that, we build the Foundational Skill of Social IQ. Our relationships will strengthen -- the "R" of PERMA-V Flourishing will strengthen -- and many aspects of life will get better and easier.

--g